Вторник 24 Ноя 2009, 15:23

I work three jobs -one as a clerk at a comic book shop. My boss, Jason is a borderline conspiracy theorist who refuses to reveal his last name or age, but likes to tell me about how back in the day he was hip to Black Flag, The Plasmatics and The Vibrators but he'll also regrettably admit being into Gary Numan, Kraftwerk and other "simp shit" that he's supposedly forgotten after years and years of substance abuse.
When I work in the back storeroom I listen to music, and Jason usually has something odd to say it. Despite not knowing his age, it's obvious he's grown a little ornery over the years and the music I like "doesn't make any fucking sense" to him.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v465/discobeefgoblin/jason.jpg
Here's a working list of some of Jason's comments. The last addition was on 1/16/12. New entries are in red.
A

• Alela Diane - "The world's going to end soon. You know that, right? This woman's music is proof of it. It doesn't make any sense that someone of this day and age would make music that sounds like that. She's playing some Civil War shit or something. The world moves in circles, and when civilizations start going backwards and retreating to the past, it's a sure sign that we're almost done for."

B

• Black Hole Kids - Salt - "Yeah…that was almost a song for a second, but then everyone fell off the table started freaking out and breaking shit."
  
• Big Black - Bazooka Joe - "Is this the Return of The Living Dead soundtrack or something? This sounds like every The B-52's rip off they used during that slew of terrible zombie movies in the 80's."
  

C

• Ceremony - The Lines In My Forehead - "All he's doing is pitching a pissy baby-fit."
  
• Charles Bronson - I Lied When I Said I Liked Your Zine - "Damn! This makes me want to bash somthin'."
  
• Cobra Noir - The Arsonist - "You realize that's just a slowed down rip-off of Ted Nugent's Stranglehold don't you?"

D

• Danzig - Invocation - "Are they just going to play that one chord the whole damn song? This sounds like the soundtrack to someone dying of starvation. You'd hear this if you saw some evil monks wondering around a dark wood on their way to some sort of bullshit devil ritual. Yeah…this one's a real upbeat number…"
  
• Descendents - Parents - "Are you listening to a recording of a cow groaning out in the wilderness?"

E

• ESG - UFO - "60's zombie dance party!"

F

• Fall of Efrafa - Republic Of Heaven - "Man, that's just a gruffy rip-off of Type O Negative."

H

• Hellnation - Ride With Me - Mocking indiscernible rabid gibberish
  
• Henry Mancini Charade (Carousel) - "So…the Nazi Death Camp-Circus is in town, huh?"
  
• Hüsker Dü - Girl Who Lives on Heaven Hill - "This is some fuddy-duddy shit they'd play at the end of a crappy 80's movie, maybe in a scene with a bunch of grandma's dancing around at a bachlor party."

J

• Joanna Newsom - "This sounds like Shirley Temple crossed with Gummo. This girl is doin' something to me. She's scaring me and turning me on at the same time. It's like Minnie Riperton on acid."
  
• John Tavener - To a Child Dancing in the Wind - "This is the music from some Vincent Price 1950's haunted house movie, isn't it?"

L

• Lee Hazlewood - The Nights - "I feel terrible for the Indians and shit, but some of those fuckers back in the day were crazy pagans: worshiping wolves and smokin' cigars and shit. They were nuts and would kill shit all the time. Not all of them I guess, but some of them were. Did you hear that story about Jim Morrison? Some 85 year old Indian's spirit went into his body after a car wreck. I like the Doors, but I don't know about all that shit Morrison would say about the Indians. I mean it's all very sad what happened to them, but some of them were crazy and deserved it."
  
• Leviathan - Fucking Your Ghost in Chains of Ice - "That sounds like someone's outback sand-blasting a bunch of cats; and let me tell you somethin': I'm from the country. My house is out in the middle of nowhere so you don't have to look for a secluded area to do something nasty, you just do it anywhere you want - so when I say someone's going outback to do somethin', you know it's some real serious shit and you better not mess. Yeah…that fucker's outback sand-blasting some cats.
  
• Liars - Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack - "One time I'd pissed these red necks off in the sticks and they decided they wanted to kill me so I took off down a dark dirt road to try and lose them. For some reason I has a stupid-shit Casio Keyboard with me - I don't remember why…Anyway, this was the music playing was playing in the background during the whole thing."

M

• Majority Rule – Burial Suit - "What's the point?They know no one can understand what they're saying right? That doesn't sound like music. I can't even tell what's going on! It's just a bunch of screaming and banging on shit. What do you do to this? You can't dance to it. There's no way he's actually making that noise with any instrument - Satan must be reaching up out of Hell through the stage and strummin' on that guitar to make those God awful noises."
  
• Mahmoud Ahmed - Feqer Endègèna - "Man, those Bollywood movies drive me crazy - all those women dancin' like they do. It's sexy as hell! I don't know how anyone can gyrate like that for 30 fucking minutes without getting exhausted. Anyhow, this would be great to play in the background while being torn to shreds by a pack of wolves."
  
• Marianne Faithfull - Broken English -"When I was younger I'd go through these phases where I'd try and become different people. After I'd gotten over wanting to be Gary Numan I'd decided I was going to be Marianne Faithfull. I'd drive around wearing a dress listening to Broken English all night and lose my mind."
  
• Menace Ruine - The Upper Hand -"They just need to get over all that summonin' shit. No matter how much they chant Satan isn't coming up out of the ground"
  
• Meneguar - Lynch the Swan Bar - "This is some of that horror-beach-twang shit, like The Cramps but not nearly as good. This is the type of shit that Dracula listens to when he grows a vagina and decides he wants to wax his surfboard."
  
• Michael Jackson - "Michael Jackson's not dead you know. Him and Elvis Presley are hanging out in Utah."
  
• Mount Eerie - Lost Wisdom - "Is that those assholes* who sit around in the woods and cry about trees?"
  
• Municipal Waste - "They can't really play that fast. That's not real."

N

• Nachtmystium - Assassins - "Damn he's mad! Like crazy mad - that's some shit you hear in a mental institution. This isn't music, it's just some pissed off wacko yelling at a bunch of orderlies."
  
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Weeping Song - "This song would be good if it wasn't so depressing that it made me want to kill myself."

P

• PJ Harvey - Down By The Water - "I'd like this song if it didn't make me feel like I was going to Hell."
  
• Post Regiment - Kurewska "They're just making a bunch of noise. There's no way they could play that live. You know why? Because it's not a song. It's just a bunch of nonsensical banging and screaming."
  
• Pram - Sirocco - "If I ever strangle someone to death I'll be sure and listen to this while I do it. I'm sure it'd sound nice as I stared at their flaccid dead body."
  

R

• Rabies - Disease Core - "That sounds like a crazy man is getting beat to death with a blunt object."
  
• Reversal of Man - I'm A New York Detective - "This is what it sounds like when you're being devoured by some otherworldly devil-beast. That sounds like a woman screaming bloody murder running from an ax wielding maniac."

S

• Sabertooth Zombie - Cleft Stick - "Damn, I wonder how long
  before his throat gives out? That's what you do when you're chasing someone and you want to scare the shit out of them."
  
• Scout Niblett - The Calcination of Scout Niblett - "Is that a human? It sounds like someone's yanking on a cat's tail. 'Alright, this next little diddy is called 'I like to set crucifixes on fire.''"
  
• Shitstorm - Cold Hatred - "That's some of that Swedish giant troll music…right? It sounds ridiculous. Those boys just need to go to church."
  
• Skarp - Feed The Addiction - "That's just a bunch of gremlins banging on a drum. They don't know what they're doing."
  
• Sleep - Dragonaut - "This is one of the best songs ever written. It makes me want to cruise around on my bike and pick off stray cats."
  
• Steve Reich - Piano Phase - "That's just a half retarded cat running up and down a piano…in d-minor."

T

• Tom Waits - Chocolate Jesus - "How the hell did you find a recording of me from 35 years ago crooning on my grandma's front porch after a week long bender?"
  
• Total Abuse - Writing on the Wall - "This sounds like a bunch of mad Russians running around in a circle beating each other on the head with wooden spoons."

W

• Wolves in the Throne Room - Ahrimanic Trance - "That sounds like someone being tortured, like someone shrieking in pain as they're being held down and branded against their will."
  
• Woods Family Creeps - "Oh come on…that's just some old bag lady crooning about some dead cats. This is absurd. It sounds like she's strangling a chihuahua."

those assholes*:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyEam9NXOnE